If you find yourself having trouble sleeping with your partner, you may have come across something called a sleep divorce. At first sight, a sleep divorce may sound bad and awful, but in reality, it could be a solution for you and your partner. Think of Ricky and Lucy Ricardo in "I Love Lucy" where they slept in different beds, but still shared the same bedroom. The two slept apart due to different sleep patterns and comfort, not because they didn't love each other. Read more to find out if a sleep divorce may be right for you, and how to best go about it.
What is a sleeping divorce?
A sleep divorce is a term for couples who decide to sleep separately. This could look like a myriad of arrangements like separate beds in the same room or completely separate rooms to give each partner their own space.
However, this arrangement strictly revolves around a separation of sleeping. Partners may feel like this is the best option if they find themselves having many sleeping difficulties that cause problems in their daily function at work, at home and in their relationship. Maybe one partner moves a lot, or snores, while the other is a really light sleeper. Or the two could be on different sleeping schedules which can negatively impact one another. Either way, a sleep divorce may be the best way to restore function and peace in each person, as well as the couple, due to improved sleep quality and quantity.
Is a sleeping divorce right for my partner and I?
Whether or not a sleeping divorce is right for you and your partner depends on you and your partner. However, if you feel as if you are experiencing a lot of conflict in your relationship, due specifically to a lack of sleep, then this may be an option that you consider. If you both find your sleep interrupted by each other, or one partner is struggling more than the other to sleep with their partner, then this may be a decision that you both make together.
This may not be the first option that you both jump to. It may be more helpful to attempt other options, like a new mattress with individual controls and sleep treatments if one has sleep issues like snoring or sleep apnea. It may even be necessary to speak with a relationship counselor or a physician to see options before arriving to a sleep divorce. However, no one can make the decision other than you and your partner, and it's essential that both of you are on the same page in order for a sleep divorce to be successful in its original purpose.
What does a sleeping divorce mean for my relationship?
First and foremost, it's important to remember that a sleep divorce means nothing negative for your relationship. It is simply a tool for a couple that is having trouble cosleeping. If these troubles root from just a difference in sleep patterns, then there is nothing to worry about. However, if these sleep problems have a different root somewhere else in the relationship, then it may be a better idea to talk to a professional to solve the actual issues, and see how that impacts sleep.
A sleep divorce doesn't mean that your relationship has failed or that there is conflict. Sleep is important for daily functioning, attention, sexual health, and mood. Therefore, if you're not getting good sleep because of your partner, then you will start to experience trouble in all the other aspects of your day. Sleeping apart and getting quality sleep could actually reduce the tension and conflict you experience in your relationship.
A 2016 study from Paracelsus Private Medical University showed that conflict and sleep issues seemed to happen at the same time in a relationship. Also, in 2012, a survey found that one in four couples slept apart to improve both of their sleep qualities. However, a marketing survey for Slumber Cloud found that almost 50% of couples wished they slept apart. So, if you decide on a sleep divorce, it is not abnormal, and it does not reflect anything negative on your relationship.
How can my partner and I have a sleep divorce without damaging our relationship?
Sleeping together is a form of intimacy in a relationship, so a sleep divorce can have negative effects on the intimacy between a couple. There are a few things you can do to avoid the drop off in intimacy between you and your partner if you decide on a sleep divorce.
According to expert Dr. Brittany Blair, PsyD, it is important to build in physical intimacy time before bed and throughout the day to make up for not sleeping together. This could include cuddling or sex in one of the beds before both partners go to sleep. It can also include spending quality time together in the form of reading, watching TV, or simply ending the day talking to one another. These tidbits of time together can help keep the relationship going, while also allowing each person to get good night's sleep.
You can also come up with sleep compromises so perhaps you aren't sleeping apart every night. Maybe on the nights that no one has to be up early, or when you both decide to go to bed around the same time, you can sleep together. This way, you still have moments where you come together at night to get the intimacy that comes with sleeping together.
The most important part of a successful sleep divorce is constant communication and reassurance. Both partners need to be honest about their needs and feelings throughout the process, and if either party feels negatively, then it may be time to switch options or readjust the sleeping arrangement.
What are our alternatives to a sleep divorce?
If you have done your research and decided that a sleep divorce is not for you or your partner, some alternatives may include individual adjustments to help the other. If snoring or a CPAP machine interrupts one of the partner's sleep, then maybe a white noise machine or ear plugs may help create a sound barrier. Different blankets or comforters can help with cover hogging, and individual control mattresses like Sleep Number and Tempurpedic can help with different preferences.
Last but not least, if you and your partner are experiencing a lot of problems, then it may be best to speak with a counselor to ensure that the main problem is sleeping, and then to explore the best options. Continue being open and honest with your partner and your healthcare providers to find the best solution for you.
[Sources]:
https://www.self.com/story/sleep-divorce
https://goop.com/wellness/relationships/what-is-sleep-divorce/